Your Egypt

[Ricky]

What do you consider meddling in your business when it comes to extended family and friends?

[RoughShod]

I would suppose sacrificing ones dog in a tree to the goddess of cats quite likely would not be objectionable "meddling" by extended family if they 'meddled' and asked their daughter to leave at once.

If one sacrificed ones dog at a vet because it had cancer..could no longer walk because of arthritus and suffered from severe pain, then 'meddling' would take on a different light if extended family did not believe in animal euthenasia

[saffron]

Ricky wrote: What do you consider meddling in your business when it comes to extended family and friends?
Well my own mother is good at it. However what she does is more like backstabbing. She loves to go behind my back and talk trash about me to everyone. She does it to my sister too. She's evil. It's one of the signs of what mentally ill people do. She spreads horrible rumors and twists words of what she hears other people saying. She should have been put on medication a long time ago. :twisted:

[Harrison]

Have you and your sister confronted her about this? Have you told her how upsetting this is? Have you asked her to stop?

What was her reaction? Did she stop for a short time or just carry on as usual?

[moll]

I consider it 'meddling' and overstepping the boundaries if extended family/friends make assumptions or decisions on my behalf, if they commit me to something without consulting me, if they think they can predict how I'd feel or what I'd want to do, if they think that being extended family or friends gives them the right to speak for me or 'own' me...

Maybe I'm thinking about my mother in law here :oops: and if I'm honest, if somebody 'meddles', it just makes me want to go the other way..

But maybe it depends on their motives and your relationship with them.

Saffron, I think it must be very hard if the 'meddler' is your own mother, if you feel that the ONE person in the world who should accept you as you are, is the one who keeps poking her nose in and trying to cause trouble by interfering and trying to change you. Nobody's perfect, even your own children aren't perfect........but maybe mothers aren't always so perfect themselves.

Anyway, Ricky.....I think sometimes it's a 'control' thing, some people just like to think they're in charge and they can manipulate people. But human nature being what it is, I think it's often counter-productive when people do that....some people might quite like to be controlled but others just feel they're being pushed into a corner and they go the opposite way just to prove a point, that they WON'T be controlled...and it wouldn't have happened the person hadn't pushed them into the corner in the first place.

[saffron]

Harrison wrote: Have you and your sister confronted her about this? Have you told her how upsetting this is? Have you asked her to stop?

What was her reaction? Did she stop for a short time or just carry on as usual?
Yes we both told her to stop it when we were in our 20's. she went silent for a while. Then I moved away from her for about 11 years. When I came back, she was worse. And began a new campaign against me and has not stopped. And yes, I have told her countless times that I am hurt by her words and that I want her to stop. She says nothing.

Now I am no longer speaking to her. And I do not ever intend to speak with her ever again. She's a very destructive person. She always has to have someone to terrorize. Only the last year or so, especially the most recent months of my life I've realized that she is mentally ill. I thought se was when I came to Orange County and lived with her for about 2 months. And had to see her sickness up close. It was extremely traumatizing. But she has never been diagnosed for an illness. She has managed to get around the mental health system.

She's very very abusive. She has no intellectual capacity to even comprehend this or what she does as wrong. and her maturity level is very low, even lower than a 15 year old's. I've spoke to professionals about this and she knows this. Recently I told her I didn't want any more of her abusive ways and that I want her to leave me alone. The professionals say to ignore her, as it will take away her power. And not to even respond to her emails, in any way. So I have her on block.

She's a very very sick human being and has gotten away with a lot. She has probably hurt me more than any one person has in my entire lifetime. I do much better in life when I have no contact with her at all. She tried to spoil and ruin my good stuff in my life. Everything. she is jealous and competitive with me and my sister. And I've never been able to count on her for anything, especially emotional support, empathy or any kind of compassion.

I am nothing like her. And I try to do everything to not be like her than I possibly can.

[Harrison]

One sentence struck me: She is jealous and competititve of me and my sister.

Having 3 daughters of my own and have a really bad childhood of my own I can empathise with what you are saying.

Never a day goes by but my daughters know they are loved. No matter if I disagree with some of their decisions, they are THEIRS and as such must be respected.

I cut off all contact with my foster mother when my eldest daughter was 15. It hurt for a while, but I had to consider the spite she directed my way was NOT going to be directed towards my daughters. I did ask my daughters if they missed their 'grandmother' and they unanimously agreed a big no. Thank heavens for my husbands parents, they are fantastic.

Good for you in making the conscious decision not to be like your mother. I also made the decision at 15 that if I was ever lucky enough to get married and have a family of my own, that not a day would pass without them being told that they were loved.

I now have 6 grandchildren so I really have been blessed.

[Ricky]

My friend's boyfriend's mother would always be suggesting herself to participate in things. The mother wanted to go on vacations with her son and my friend. She would annouce it to my friend without even her boyfriend's being present. First time she did when the friend and her b/f new each other only for less than 3 months. One of the times she suggested a joint trip was to save money for herself. She stopped suggesting it only when her son sponsored her a separate trip with her husband. In addition, she said that she wanted grandchildren while she is still young. She seems not to care about the two people's plans 8)

[RoughShod]

Harrison, well done to have broken out of a mold like that...it must demand very independant and responsible thinking to be able to do it without a role model(well I mean from your own family side). How did you know you were doing the right thing when no doubt confronted in many situations where the way you were brought up conflicted with how you wanted your own children to be brought up. Especially in their teen years. It must be especially difficult at that time to be able to trust them when you know they are going to bump their heads without some perhaps stearn guidance from you.

They would class it as a Mom meddling in their affairs but actually it would be fair to say you are expected to do so till the age of 18 or 16 or whatever.

[RoughShod]

Then again altruism is perhaps a better way to explain non meddling. Where one does good to others without expectation of reward or recognition. It is the opposite of selfishness.

[moll]

I'm really sorry that you've both had bad experiences at the hands of mothers, saffron and Harrison :(

I think there is so much sentimental stuff written about the bonds between mothers and their children, like it's just written in stone that mothers are always good and maybe they're not always perfect, but children should always be grateful to their mothers for the act of giving birth to them...but I think there are times when mothers can be very negative influences on their children's lives.

Maybe the truth is, there are just some women who aren't cut out to be mothers.......some women already know that and choose not to have children and that's OK, but some women find out AFTER they have children that they don't have any 'mothering' instinct and that's sad for everybody concerned and especially for the children.

Ricky, I think your friend's boyfriend's mother is making a BIG mistake :roll: there comes a time when you have to let go, sounds like she's having problems with that..

My son is married (as you know 8) ), he'd been with his wife for about 10 years before they got married, and she was already like a member of the family before she officially became part of it, I love her to bits and we get on really well........but God, I'd NEVER invite myself on holiday with them, and I certainly wouldn't be asking them about when or if they're going to make me a granny :shock:

They're adults and it's their choice whether to have children or not........respect is a two way thing and I couldn't expect any respect from them if I didn't give them any.

Starting to ramble now :-#

[ratty]

:arrow:

[moll]

ratty wrote: :arrow:

Was there a point to this, ratty..........I mean, SERIOUSLY, was there a point to this.

[Ricky]

my parents never interfere into my business, instead encourage and support with what they can. my parents are extremely tactful and diplomatic who devoted all their life to children.

[Ricky]

moll you are right
my advice was to set your boundaries early on and do not let be pushed. if one does not set up boundaries, which should not be crossed, it will be worse.

no need to keep it all inside and adjust when the other party is obviously pushing interests and lack of common sense even